Hello mediocrity! Nursing school is officially kicking my butt. I know I've said this 50 times before, but I am working harder to earn this 2-year degree than I did to get my bachelor's! Or maybe it's a different kind of learning? I don't know... all I can say is that I've never had so many blows to my self esteem all at once. I'm tired of feeling inadequate!!! I just want to be on top of my game again. Obviously I have to take things one day at a time and appreciate the little victories, but the last week was pretty rough. I had my one comprehensive skills check-off for the term and FAILED it. Nice! I got really nervous because I was in the very first group of three to go right at 8 AM sharp, and it was like being at a piano recital when I was a kid... I got in the room with the instructor and her clip-board, sitting there all silent and just waiting for me to slip up, and OF COURSE my mind went totally blank! I got through 95% it without any major hiccups, but then at the end while hanging an IV medication, I had a moment of stress-induced psychosis and somehow convinced myself that a 100 ml bag of azithromycin running over 1 hour should be set at 200 ml/hr on the pump. Hello! I think I'm so used to doing math that I couldn't fathom it being so easy. The look of pity on the instructor's face was almost too much to bear, and for the first time during this program, I almost cried. Failing a check-off doesn't actually do anything to my grade (gotta love community colleges!) and I am only required to go back and redo the one portion where I made a mistake, but it was so devastating! I mean, I KNOW how to do that stuff and it is embarrassing to make such a simple mistake just because of nerves!
What I've learned from this is pretty huge though: life goes on after failure. I went back today and redid the check-off in five minutes and passed. And that was that! Why did I waste so much time feeling bad over this? In the end it was pretty much nothing. I think nursing school will finally cure me of being a perfectionist, because being perfect is simply not possible in this environment. I tend to want everything clean and flawless, but I guess in the end I'd rather make mistakes now, learn from them, and be a better nurse in the field, rather than get through school without a single problem, then fall flat on my face in the real world. I've been so terrified of messing up and I discovered that it's really not so bad! I certainly remember things better when I learn the hard way, so I'm choosing to be grateful for these experiences. It's hard not to feel defeated sometimes, but what I'm starting to appreciate is that fact that tomorrow is a new day, full of chances to redeem myself!
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"To err is human", but unfortunately the medical trade is terribly unforgiving of mistakes. I find that interuptions and distractions are the biggest cause of mistakes, and do my best work being very single minded and focused on the task at hand. I often have to tell peoploe around me "Just a minute, one thing at a time". When they tell me I'm too uptight or taking things too seriously, I remind them that my mistakes go out the back door in a plastic bag. Recent studies have ahown the "Multitasking" lowers effeciency by up to 60%, and in my case I believe that to be accurate.
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